polite way to call someone a bastard

[$parechange]

> A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second
> golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that
> he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
>
> They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're
> about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The
> first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the
> terms.
>
> The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
>
> As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy
> counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a
> neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow
> revealed that he was the Parish Priest.
>
> The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
> The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet
> with you. You keep your winnings."
>
> The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
>
> The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a
> donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll
> marry them.